do you know what it feels like to try so hard for so long just to prove you are good enough? that you can do what everyone said you wouldn’t? and to fail, completely at the biggest test of all you’ve worked for? i didn’t get in. i did everything i could for three years. three years! and it wasn’t enough. i wasn’t enough. i let down everyone who ever believed in me, helped me, taught me, showed me. my whole life i’ve tried to prove that i was good enough, that i was just as smart and talented and special. but i’m not. i couldn’t pass the final test. 

is that how its always going to be? just one disappointment after another? how long am i going to have to think about it everytime i look at myself? how long is it going to define me? how long will it take to forget?

i’ve been so used to putting up this front, this continuous guard. i don’t show what i’m really feeling, i haven’t cried in years, i don’t know how. i don’t know how to show i’m weak. and i always thought i was lucky that i didn’t have all those useless emotions. but now i look and see, it lost me a relationship. actually it lost me more than one. and now i’ve found someone just like me, but does this mean we’ll never have anything deeper? will we ever be able to tell eachother each little thing thats eating at us?

when will this rut be over, when will i stop feeling like we’re strangers? its so hard to go to school and see everyone with their boyfriends and girlfriends and know that i can’t see mine. to know that it could be weeks before i see him and that it’ll only last two days tops. everyday is this constant struggle that i’ve got to keep to myself because none of my friends would understand or know how to help. how do you keep yourself from exploding? when will i just be able to have all the time i want, to do whatever i want? when will i finally have the courage to say everything i’ve kept bottled up? will i ever?